Once upon a time I walked around as a pretty pissed off person. Looking back, I would never have defined myself or said that I had an anger issue or that I was an angry person. I really was unaware, I was also quite self righteous in my anger. There were valid reasons for why I was angry. That guy just cut me off while driving and almost took my front end off! So getting out of my vehicle to confront, curse, scream, yell and berate was justified. That lady who took MY parking space, was asking for it – how selfish and rude was she! It’s amazing that I was never arrested or seriously harmed.
My mentality was that life was just not fair! Every time I turned around I was getting screwed. My biggest affront was the welfare system; I was a single mom raising two kids, with next to no support, little to no child support and here all these people are, with their food stamps, nice cars, clothes, ect….not working nearly as hard as I was to squeeze a dollar out of a dime. Everywhere I looked, I was getting the short end of the stick, never catching a break.
My language back then was peppered with every curse word known and a few made up ones. My favorite was the fbomb. Yep. I used it regularly when I spoke. Seriously, get over yourself they’re just words was my mentality. And true they are just words, however words have power. And the languaging I used, the manner in which I used it and the why me mentality, so clear now, painted a larger picture of someone at odds with themselves in life. Someone who found themselves living a life they didn’t plan on living and was pissed.
I was always very responsible, very logical and analytical. Which equates to; I made good money for what I did, my children & my home were in perfect order and I could rationalize anything that I did, thought or felt. None of the above changed the fact that I was a walking time bomb that blew regularly and was miserable inside. Or that I justified myself out of seeing that I was NOT taking responsibility for my feelings around my life; I’d been betrayed, lied to, abused – if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t believe it! My joy was my children and they were also my motivation. I did not want them growing up to be like me, make my choices and end up living the life that I was living; a hollowed existence. I wanted them to grow up Happy and grow into continued Happiness.
It started slow. It was uncomfortable, even painful; I would halt, stumble, fall, go backwards and at times, bury my head in the sand. To face the reality that yes, all this crap had happened to me and no, maybe not fair – however – it was a succession of choices (my choices) that led me to where I was. It meant confronting shame, fear, embarrassment, guilt, sadness and, of course, anger to name a few. Through it, I realized that all that anger that I was spewing at everybody else was really all that I anger I had at myself. It was accepting that these things had happened. I could continue to choose to live in them, staying in the vomit of all the wrongs that had happened OR I could choose to live forward, make new choices for my new life. For the life that I get to create now. Rather than replaying events that I cannot change, no matter how much I wished it or revisited it. I had to learn again about me. My boundaries. How to forgive and how to accept. Through it, the anger subsided, dissipated & the hurts healed – because after all, I was forgiving myself, taking responsibility for my choices and the affect those choices had on my life. The fallout was the forgiveness of others and acceptance of what was….well, was. As in, past tense.
You have the ability to choose. Nobody can take that from you, no matter what you have experienced or where you’ve been. You get to choose to not let the past hold you prisoner and learn to start living in the Now. It is learning. And there’s no age limit. You do get the do overs, every day when you wake up it’s the New Day. Start Fresh. Start Now. There are plenty of support groups, therapists, practitioners of every make and model. Find your chutzpah, make the choice and start putting one foot in front of the other – crawl if you have to. Just Do It. Nike was maybe onto something 😉
May you be Learning, Living & Letting Go. Namaste ~ Madison